Stalking in the Free World
By Debbie “TNT” Kirk
Time for another installment of stalking guidelines. By the way, for those of you who used any of the techniques in my last column, write me and let me know how they worked out for you. BUT, keep in mind A) I do not have bail money and B) I am not legally responsible nor is the hold if you are actually dumb enough to take my advice.
Moving on. I’ve done a lot of thinking about what you should learn next in order to be a productive and effective stalker. It occurred to me that the best way to learn is often by example. So, I’d like to share my progress on my current stalking mission with you. Again, use these techniques at your own risk and my amusement.
And, the current winner of my affection, and the man worthy of my highly skilled stalking techniques is Jack Black. That’s right. The Tenacious D rocks the Debbie. Now first I’d like to make an obligatory disclaimer, just because that sounds like I have something important to say I guess. I would like everyone (including Jack, cause I call him Jack) to know that I was in love with him before he was the famous, polished, man that he is today. I liked him when he was younger and had that cute baby fat thing going on. He was just as sexy then, if not more. Also, I was a Suicide Girl in the past, tho have since quit cause it was pissing some of my editors and publishers off. But now every little teenybopper on that page has some superficial rant about how she’s obsessed with Jack. People, don’t be fooled. These women are merely anonymous models. Their columns and journals are actually written by retired stock brokers and insurance salesmen. So, needless to say…they are gonna write what sells. Jack sells. Now, I know he has a girlfriend. And Laura, I’m sure that you are a very nice girl. However, Jack needs a gal like me in his life to be complete. That was not a death threat. That was not a subliminal message. The point here is that Jack and I are 100% compatible. And, as a stalker I take it upon myself to take whatever liberties needed to gather information to make the stalking fruitful. Keep in mind I am a seasoned professional, so a lot of the info I have collected will probably come as a complete surprise to you.
Before I begin to execute ANY steps of the stalking, I spend years gathering information. It’s hard work man. Undercover, stake outs, late hours, always on the road. But if you do it right it will pay off in the end. I’d like to share with you some facts about Jack Black that are not public knowledge.
1). Jack Black actually wrote the Scientology series, L. Ron Hubbard is just a pen name.
2). Jack was once married to Anton Levey on a drug binge in the late 70’s. The marriage was never recorded on public records, nor is there any photographic evidence. But this homeless guy named Brian told me while I drank Mad Dog 20/20 with him, so it has to be true. Don’t question me here folks.
3). Right now Ronnie James Dio is smoking crack and shaking his fist at the Tenacious D CD sitting next to his bed….so as you can see…Jack’s music…..WINNING!
4). Jack was actually in two performing bands before Tenacious D. He auditioned for the Christian metal band “Stryper” and didn’t make the cut. So he formed his own Christian band in the LA scene. The band, “I’m really holy” played only 2 gigs then broke up when the bass player was caught reading a Tolkein book in the bathroom. After that Jack formed a lounge act in Reno. He impersonated Neil Diamond faithfully and successfully for three years until he met Kyle at a NAMBLA meeting.
5). Jack is actually 4 feet tall. He has lifts designed especially for him in Kenya. They are said to cost over two million per set.
6). At some point in every single one of Jack’s movie appearance he smoothes his right hand through his hair. When he does that, he is sending a subliminal satanic message to the viewers. Well, they aren’t always satanic. Sometimes they are like ads to go buy popcorn and stuff.
7). Jack was actually the voice of Ariel in “The Little Mermaid”. 2,564 tanks of nitrous were used in total. Comparable to the amount used to record the average Ween album
OK, That’s all of the facts I’m giving away, after all, I’ve got me some Jack Black to stalk and I don’t want you fuckers out there stealing my ideas. I’m pretty confident that my newest plan is going to work. I can’t reveal it hear, for obvious reasons. However, under the unlikely conditions that it DOES NOT work, I will proceed to plan B…which involves kidnapping Jack and having him spend a year in a memory erasing sensatory deprivation tank.
Next month I will include some answers to emails I’ve got stalking or in an attempt to gather information from various people. Mostly celebs, but the funniest ones are actually from the people who are just some average joe. They freak the fuck out and it’s great. As usual, keep me up to date on your own stalking.
See you next month
Debbie “It’s not an obsession since Jack Black is always looking at me when he’s on the screen” Kirk
Welcome to the Machine
There's no time for chasing whiskey with shadows, when the cross is crooked and graffiti covers it like a hip hop totem pole. Territory marked with piss, Love is a card trick you see on the street corner, sex is fake currency and propaganda for the illuminati. I used to carry a gun,
tucked in my pants.
Self-Absorbed and still leaking, I cut Joan of Arc's hair with an old rusty straight razor. I would strap on a chainsaw and take Wendy O' Williams right here on this floor. I would sit next to you on the porch swing if you'd tell me a story. Just remember I'm too old for fairy tales and I never believed in santa claus.
Georgia O Keefe prints line the walls of my therapist's office
I saw the gift horse there once, but he kept his mouth shut because he didn't want anyone to see his rotting, slimy teeth.
At your triage in this whole pyramid scheme, many people will ask you to repeat your allergies along the way. Then I think the answers are super-micro-ultra-uber-zapped into the giant “Welcome to the Machine”.
I've never been anyone's girl next door. Women, take control of your sexuality, stick out your chest, and put down your spiked heels. A psuedo -socio-voyeuristic photo essay exploring my thoughts on the term "feminist". Is what I told you I was writing about.
claustrophobic. We are both just using each other for one last breath. So sometimes when you are sleeping I put my lips on yours and inhale as much as you in as I can. I’m not sure who I’m trying to finish off, I only feel the approaching suffocation, and choking on wishes granted by shooting stars.
Monkey Suit
I smell the spirit of Laura Ingalls
When I braid my hair
Intoxicating me
All the way up to that loft
To turn out the lantern
Put on a dumb bonnet
And sleep.
If you go to any thrift store
In any city
Any hour of any day
You will find a plague
Of a “Precious Moments” nature
In the goods dept.
With a young girl
Kneeling in front of her bed
Assuming the position
To confess guilt.
And sometimes it holds
A broken bottle to my
Hungry jugular
And other times
It puts me in a monkey suit
And there’s not enough Sedatives
In all of China
To keep King Kong from fucking shit up.
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Debbie Kirk
